Well here it goes. The truth. 100%. Just my thoughts. My feelings. My stubborn attitude. My inability to let go of whatever it is you bring to the table. Here it is. Still. Several days and a whole "relationship" after the fact. My care that I wish I didn't give.
So. I love you.
Even when you're driving me crazy because you're confused and you don't understand what you're doing wrong, I still love you.
You made me brownies and even though I had told you a million times how much I didn't like brownies, I still loved you. I just laughed. It made me smile. You ALWAYS made me smile.
And sometimes I wonder what it was that ended us. I know we argued a lot, I agree that wasn't the way relationships should be, but why was that? I think it was a combination of two people having trouble trusting the other. I was always afraid that you didn't care and you were always afraid that I couldn't be trusted (for understandable reasons, at that, I wasn't exactly always the most innocent). But it was a vicious circle. With time you cared less because you thought I didn't care because I was constantly flirting with others, but the only reason I was flirting with others was because I thought you didn't care about me.
Now tell me why THAT picture is screwed up.
Because the bottom line is...I know you care. I know you do. You always did and you know when I realized that?
The other day my friends were looking through my stuff, like always and they came across your card. One of them and it was all perfect (in your typical fashion) and I realized, you know, no matter what someone who doesn't care doesn't do that. Someone who doesn't care doesn't put in that thought. That time. If I know anything about you, it's the importance of time management and I take up time and you still stayed by my side. You wouldn't have stayed around if you didn't care and it's time I believe that.
So I ended up flirting with boys because I was scared that you didn't care. I was too blind to see that you did.
So here it is--all out in the open. I love you. Sure, I could just pretend otherwise and continue on with whatever it is I usually continue on with OR I could just jump. Let you know. Here it is. Here I am. I'm sorry I wasn't trustworthy. I'm sorry I never believed in you. I'm sorry I never let you know that in reality I actually did believe in you. Because, in reality, I did not want to be with anyone else. I still don't. And I can't convince myself otherwise anymore. I've spent a lot of time pretending I wanted to be with other guys. Just accepting them. "He's nice. So. I'll give him a chance."
It wasn't like that with you. I just wanted to be with you. Period. And I still do. Period.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
You could make me brownies 1000 times and I would still love you. And I mean that in the least gay way possible.
Must be:
Funny
Sarcastic
Able to understand my sarcasm 150% of the time
Kind
Compassionate
Intelligent (which means that he must have a basic understanding of grammar with high understanding in mathematics and science and/or high understanding in grammar and basic or minimal understanding in mathematics and science)
Respectful (he must understand why I don't want to have sex, he must respect my beliefs, he must respect my family, my mother, father, sister, friends, life in general)
He must like me, a lot.
He shouldn't have to think about it.
He shouldn't be afraid of me.
He should be able to tell me the truth.
I should be able to trust him from the start.
He should respect me enough to tell me the truth.
It was one of the first things I told him. "I have trouble trusting and I want to trust you, but you have to be honest with me or else it will never work." I am not a jealous person. I am not, but break my trust and you can say goodbye to me ever having faith in you again. This is true. About 80% of the time. Which is why my feelings towards you make no sense.
You first had to "think" about dating me.
Then you told me kissing me "felt wrong" which not only made me feel stupid, but also made me question your intentions and the person you really were.
Later, you constantly put me at the bottom of your priorities.
You almost broke up with me in the beginning of August. You didn't and I took you back, happily. (WTF?)
I told you I loved you. You told me you had to think about it.
You came up to visit me at college with a tin of brownies (I have always, will always, hate brownies) and then we argued about Jake...again. Because you didn't trust me.
And then you broke up with me. Explained how at home you felt less pressured without me there. I felt like a rapist. Fucking shit. Sure, making you uncomfortable became almost a sport for me, but it was only a sport. It was never a serious feeling.
You made me brownies. And I still loved you.
Eighty percent of our relationship you were making brownies for me and I was still loving you. Twenty percent of our relationship you were being a wonderful boyfriend. You were making me feel special. You were just being the lovely person that I wanted so badly to be a part of and you were letting me be a part of it. I can remember moments, play by play, when you were perfect and you didn't even know it.
You whispered, "Excuse me honey" once and I actually died.
Alanah saw it.
You know in old language and phrases how the word swoon is used? Like, women would swoon all the time. Just drop into the arms of men, because obviously they are unable of doing anything else. It sounds really gay, but it's true. Women would "swoon."
I had never swooned before that moment. It was like, you just said one thing and suddenly I felt weak in the knees and I considered fainting. (I didn't of course because that would be ridiculous.) But after so many years of laughing at the idea of "swooning" I finally did. And I felt dumb. But I couldn't even help it.
And I think that's the key. No matter how gay it is, my guy should be able to make me swoon, so easily. Just like that. You called me honey and I broke into a million little pieces, all over Josh's carpet. And there was no one there to put me back together because you didn't come back to that place enough. There was the time during ten minute plays, when I saw you and you were so excited to see me.
I swooned then too.
Or after senior banquet when you called me amazing.
Yup, then too.
But every time, I just kept breaking up inside. Happily, uncontrollably and then this side would disappear from your personality and no one would be there to pick me up. So I would just sit there. Broken. On the carpet. Probably crying because by this point I would be upset, again that you didn't seem to care, but there it is.
Must be:
Able to be one person at all times. Make me swoon. Pick up the pieces afterwards and hold me, comfort me, so that I form back together as a person and know you'll be back after you leave. I'm so sick of turning around for a split second and then turning back around to find you gone, again.
So must stay in one place and be one person. That's all I'm asking for the next one. One place, one person, because I've only got one heart and I'm really sick of people messing with it.
Funny
Sarcastic
Able to understand my sarcasm 150% of the time
Kind
Compassionate
Intelligent (which means that he must have a basic understanding of grammar with high understanding in mathematics and science and/or high understanding in grammar and basic or minimal understanding in mathematics and science)
Respectful (he must understand why I don't want to have sex, he must respect my beliefs, he must respect my family, my mother, father, sister, friends, life in general)
He must like me, a lot.
He shouldn't have to think about it.
He shouldn't be afraid of me.
He should be able to tell me the truth.
I should be able to trust him from the start.
He should respect me enough to tell me the truth.
It was one of the first things I told him. "I have trouble trusting and I want to trust you, but you have to be honest with me or else it will never work." I am not a jealous person. I am not, but break my trust and you can say goodbye to me ever having faith in you again. This is true. About 80% of the time. Which is why my feelings towards you make no sense.
You first had to "think" about dating me.
Then you told me kissing me "felt wrong" which not only made me feel stupid, but also made me question your intentions and the person you really were.
Later, you constantly put me at the bottom of your priorities.
You almost broke up with me in the beginning of August. You didn't and I took you back, happily. (WTF?)
I told you I loved you. You told me you had to think about it.
You came up to visit me at college with a tin of brownies (I have always, will always, hate brownies) and then we argued about Jake...again. Because you didn't trust me.
And then you broke up with me. Explained how at home you felt less pressured without me there. I felt like a rapist. Fucking shit. Sure, making you uncomfortable became almost a sport for me, but it was only a sport. It was never a serious feeling.
You made me brownies. And I still loved you.
Eighty percent of our relationship you were making brownies for me and I was still loving you. Twenty percent of our relationship you were being a wonderful boyfriend. You were making me feel special. You were just being the lovely person that I wanted so badly to be a part of and you were letting me be a part of it. I can remember moments, play by play, when you were perfect and you didn't even know it.
You whispered, "Excuse me honey" once and I actually died.
Alanah saw it.
You know in old language and phrases how the word swoon is used? Like, women would swoon all the time. Just drop into the arms of men, because obviously they are unable of doing anything else. It sounds really gay, but it's true. Women would "swoon."
I had never swooned before that moment. It was like, you just said one thing and suddenly I felt weak in the knees and I considered fainting. (I didn't of course because that would be ridiculous.) But after so many years of laughing at the idea of "swooning" I finally did. And I felt dumb. But I couldn't even help it.
And I think that's the key. No matter how gay it is, my guy should be able to make me swoon, so easily. Just like that. You called me honey and I broke into a million little pieces, all over Josh's carpet. And there was no one there to put me back together because you didn't come back to that place enough. There was the time during ten minute plays, when I saw you and you were so excited to see me.
I swooned then too.
Or after senior banquet when you called me amazing.
Yup, then too.
But every time, I just kept breaking up inside. Happily, uncontrollably and then this side would disappear from your personality and no one would be there to pick me up. So I would just sit there. Broken. On the carpet. Probably crying because by this point I would be upset, again that you didn't seem to care, but there it is.
Must be:
Able to be one person at all times. Make me swoon. Pick up the pieces afterwards and hold me, comfort me, so that I form back together as a person and know you'll be back after you leave. I'm so sick of turning around for a split second and then turning back around to find you gone, again.
So must stay in one place and be one person. That's all I'm asking for the next one. One place, one person, because I've only got one heart and I'm really sick of people messing with it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hey you, it's been awhile, I miss our walks, our talks, things are changing, where's the one of whom I fell in love?
^Those song lyrics are mine incidentally. I wrote this song over a year ago. About someone else. However, I keep finding that many breakup songs can fit the situation over and over and over again. This one is particularly personal, but I still find that parts of it work for many different situations.
It's basically a song about a guy and a girl who are good friends, date briefly and then the guy just disappears from her life. "Where's the one of whom I fell in love?" Other important lines include, "Hey boy, won't you meet me by the beach wall, we'll take a walk there and maybe we'll even figure out," and "We were way in over our heads and you would follow where you were led and we could never find the right route, I only wanted to help you out, so take a step back and then you'll see all the bullshit you gave to me, you took me in, you spat me out."
And I wrote this over a year ago. I really should just become a psychic and call it a day. Get an office. Put up my name in neon lights on the door, fill the room with incense and beaded...items and spew bullshit from my mouth on a daily basis.
That's beside the point.
More important than love this song is about friendship. It's about relationships screwing up all that's good. We were friends. We liked each other. And I don't mean that in a sexual or lovey dovey way. We liked each other's company. Or else I liked your company. WE WERE FRIENDS. Where'd that go?
RULE #1: RELATIONSHIPS SCREW UP THE BEST OF FRIENDSHIPS...LIKE BIG TIME.
I had a dream last night. It was simple, much like many of my dreams and you were in it and you were talking to me and you were stressed. You just needed a friend and I was there and I wanted to be there and, more importantly, you WANTED ME THERE. It was exciting and new and I felt happy and then I woke up and realized it was a dream and felt...sad.
We were friends. Good friends. I hate when things get screwed up.
AND THAT'S ALL I WANT. I realized that. Yesterday. I realized it's not about our relationship, it's not about how it didn't work, it's not about your religion, my religion, our differences, it's not about your homework or my spontaneity, it's not about band or chorus or the piano or your plays or my music or any other FUCKING thing in this world. IT'S ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. That's why I'm sad. I became friends with you. I liked you. I liked being around you. You made me feel better. You knew how to make me feel better. Even if you didn't realize it and I liked that. And now that's gone. And hey, I'll be okay, it's not like my world is gonna come crashing down but it's a comfort thing. I liked you there.
But you're gone. And you don't seem to miss my company and that really hurts. Because at the very least, even if you didn't want to have sex with me or if you loved solving equations more than me or if you loved musical theater more than me or if you loved ANYTHING IN THE WORLD more than me, I thought you liked me company. I thought you did.
Now I realize, you're faker than I thought. That really sucks. But hey, I'll get over it.
You know, soon.
It's basically a song about a guy and a girl who are good friends, date briefly and then the guy just disappears from her life. "Where's the one of whom I fell in love?" Other important lines include, "Hey boy, won't you meet me by the beach wall, we'll take a walk there and maybe we'll even figure out," and "We were way in over our heads and you would follow where you were led and we could never find the right route, I only wanted to help you out, so take a step back and then you'll see all the bullshit you gave to me, you took me in, you spat me out."
And I wrote this over a year ago. I really should just become a psychic and call it a day. Get an office. Put up my name in neon lights on the door, fill the room with incense and beaded...items and spew bullshit from my mouth on a daily basis.
That's beside the point.
More important than love this song is about friendship. It's about relationships screwing up all that's good. We were friends. We liked each other. And I don't mean that in a sexual or lovey dovey way. We liked each other's company. Or else I liked your company. WE WERE FRIENDS. Where'd that go?
RULE #1: RELATIONSHIPS SCREW UP THE BEST OF FRIENDSHIPS...LIKE BIG TIME.
I had a dream last night. It was simple, much like many of my dreams and you were in it and you were talking to me and you were stressed. You just needed a friend and I was there and I wanted to be there and, more importantly, you WANTED ME THERE. It was exciting and new and I felt happy and then I woke up and realized it was a dream and felt...sad.
We were friends. Good friends. I hate when things get screwed up.
AND THAT'S ALL I WANT. I realized that. Yesterday. I realized it's not about our relationship, it's not about how it didn't work, it's not about your religion, my religion, our differences, it's not about your homework or my spontaneity, it's not about band or chorus or the piano or your plays or my music or any other FUCKING thing in this world. IT'S ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. That's why I'm sad. I became friends with you. I liked you. I liked being around you. You made me feel better. You knew how to make me feel better. Even if you didn't realize it and I liked that. And now that's gone. And hey, I'll be okay, it's not like my world is gonna come crashing down but it's a comfort thing. I liked you there.
But you're gone. And you don't seem to miss my company and that really hurts. Because at the very least, even if you didn't want to have sex with me or if you loved solving equations more than me or if you loved musical theater more than me or if you loved ANYTHING IN THE WORLD more than me, I thought you liked me company. I thought you did.
Now I realize, you're faker than I thought. That really sucks. But hey, I'll get over it.
You know, soon.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Emotions. Hah. Remember those things I used to have...a lot more than I do now? :]
So. Once upon a time I dated this boy and he was sort of lukewarm through our whole relationship. But I kept hanging on because, for some reason, I believed that it was for the best--that in the end, he cared a lot, but he just didn't know how to show it and I thought he needed a chance. Then. He dumped me.
Good judgment, Kells.
And THEN, I met this other boy who was pretty much the first boy...with minor differences. He played sports and he liked me a whole freaking lot and he would do ANYTHING to make me happy. Sounds perfect, right?
I thought so too, and I still do, for the most part, but then the similarities between these boys started rearing their ugly heads. Same interests, same dumb quirks, same goofy personalities, just same, same, same.
And in all reality, that wasn't a problem at first because it was like, but this is someone else, not him, someone else. And he's a totally different person and he's sweet and he cares and he would do just anything for me. But the more I joked with my friends, the more the same jokes came out. Gawwwwd, can we PLEASE stop making jokes about the Wizard of Oz, PLEASE. Like, I laugh every time because it's funny, but it's like, I so quickly associate those jokes with the first guy. It's reflex and it doesn't consciously upset me at the time, but later it does because it's almost like in my mind, I think, "Ugh. Remember that time when all my friends and my boyfriend were in the musical together and we made jokes all the time and it was funny and I was sick of hearing them and-,"
Oh.
Farmington, Maine.
Someone else.
Hm.
Interesting.
And I love Farmington, I do, I really do and I love all my friends and I'm mostly okay, it's just certain things set me off. It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I'm emotionally retarded--I did spend the first eighteen years of my life like this after all--and I mean, for the last three months I've been 150% better, but...sometimes I slip. But just sometimes.
Moreover, sex freaks me out. Hormones freak me out. The bottom line is, my fifteenth year happened and it was crazy and I didn't like it and, while I don't feel guilty, it sort of emotionally crippled me with sex. And my emotions just flip flop so quickly. It's like, one day, I'm okay and I feel fine and the next, I'm paranoid...so paranoid that my personality has nothing to do with my relationship...
I just want an answer. What is right? What will make me feel like shit? Why am I so sensitive all the time?
Give me an answer.
But I guess these emotions are my answer...right? It only makes sense. Everyone always says "listen to your heart" or whatever...shit and I suppose that's true and perhaps I shouldn't question it and I should just be careful. Super careful not to hurt myself.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I'm trying my best to put it into words.
Botton line is:
Rejection sucks.
Break ups suck.
Sexual relations are complicated.
And I'm a little homesick.
And I don't know why the fuck I care about you anymore. But all I know is it's freaking complicated and I just...I just hate it. And, the thing is, this would be SO much easier if I thought you ever cared half as much as I did, but I don't believe that. I don't even believe that. And now I'm trying my very hardest to fight past these feelings and care about about someone new, to direct these feelings 100% at someone who cares about me just soooooo much.
I want this to be easy. I want fifteen to have never happened. I want my eight months back. I want to be beautiful--not hot, not pretty. I want him to say I'm beautiful. And I want everyone to stop making jokes about the fucking Wizard of Oz.
<3
Good judgment, Kells.
And THEN, I met this other boy who was pretty much the first boy...with minor differences. He played sports and he liked me a whole freaking lot and he would do ANYTHING to make me happy. Sounds perfect, right?
I thought so too, and I still do, for the most part, but then the similarities between these boys started rearing their ugly heads. Same interests, same dumb quirks, same goofy personalities, just same, same, same.
And in all reality, that wasn't a problem at first because it was like, but this is someone else, not him, someone else. And he's a totally different person and he's sweet and he cares and he would do just anything for me. But the more I joked with my friends, the more the same jokes came out. Gawwwwd, can we PLEASE stop making jokes about the Wizard of Oz, PLEASE. Like, I laugh every time because it's funny, but it's like, I so quickly associate those jokes with the first guy. It's reflex and it doesn't consciously upset me at the time, but later it does because it's almost like in my mind, I think, "Ugh. Remember that time when all my friends and my boyfriend were in the musical together and we made jokes all the time and it was funny and I was sick of hearing them and-,"
Oh.
Farmington, Maine.
Someone else.
Hm.
Interesting.
And I love Farmington, I do, I really do and I love all my friends and I'm mostly okay, it's just certain things set me off. It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I'm emotionally retarded--I did spend the first eighteen years of my life like this after all--and I mean, for the last three months I've been 150% better, but...sometimes I slip. But just sometimes.
Moreover, sex freaks me out. Hormones freak me out. The bottom line is, my fifteenth year happened and it was crazy and I didn't like it and, while I don't feel guilty, it sort of emotionally crippled me with sex. And my emotions just flip flop so quickly. It's like, one day, I'm okay and I feel fine and the next, I'm paranoid...so paranoid that my personality has nothing to do with my relationship...
I just want an answer. What is right? What will make me feel like shit? Why am I so sensitive all the time?
Give me an answer.
But I guess these emotions are my answer...right? It only makes sense. Everyone always says "listen to your heart" or whatever...shit and I suppose that's true and perhaps I shouldn't question it and I should just be careful. Super careful not to hurt myself.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I'm trying my best to put it into words.
Botton line is:
Rejection sucks.
Break ups suck.
Sexual relations are complicated.
And I'm a little homesick.
And I don't know why the fuck I care about you anymore. But all I know is it's freaking complicated and I just...I just hate it. And, the thing is, this would be SO much easier if I thought you ever cared half as much as I did, but I don't believe that. I don't even believe that. And now I'm trying my very hardest to fight past these feelings and care about about someone new, to direct these feelings 100% at someone who cares about me just soooooo much.
I want this to be easy. I want fifteen to have never happened. I want my eight months back. I want to be beautiful--not hot, not pretty. I want him to say I'm beautiful. And I want everyone to stop making jokes about the fucking Wizard of Oz.
<3
Monday, October 18, 2010
If tests are harvests...then you're the acid rain, killing my crop. Thanks a lot, asshole.
So today my Arab/Israeli Conflict professor told my class her philosophy about school. "Tests are like harvests." Um. Okay, thanks for the super queer analogy. I almost giggled when she said this because it was only a few days ago when Michael informed me that this was her philosophy. Not to mention the fact that almost any time anything is compared to nature, it's gay. And I mean that in the least offensive way possible. I remember reading something a couple days ago, written on a large refrigerator magnet, in varying shades of blue: "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Well, gee, thanks Marcel Proust for making happiness as stupidly gay as possible.
Why is it necessary to compare it to nature? Why don't we just say, "Be grateful for nice people"? No, it makes more sense to talk about "charming gardeners" and "blossoming souls".
GAY.
This isn't my point though. I started taking this analogy deeper. Because that only makes sense. If someone's going to say something queer, I will make it queerer. That's when I decided that tests are harvests, reading is planting crops while studying is watering these crops. And distractions are droughts, stunting growth in these fucking crops. And you, showing up in my dreams, pissing me off, distracting me from the harvest, are the acid rain, killing my fucking crops, douchebag. What'd you do that for?
Well, I mean, that's more if happiness is the harvest. So if it was, then you would STILL be the acid rain.
I just wish I never cared. Because, like, it's not even the fact that I care now because I'm okay, it's the fact that I cared so much and nothing good ever came of it.
Fortunately, some sun is beginning to peek from behind the clouds.
:| <---awkward face for queer analogies.
Why is it necessary to compare it to nature? Why don't we just say, "Be grateful for nice people"? No, it makes more sense to talk about "charming gardeners" and "blossoming souls".
GAY.
This isn't my point though. I started taking this analogy deeper. Because that only makes sense. If someone's going to say something queer, I will make it queerer. That's when I decided that tests are harvests, reading is planting crops while studying is watering these crops. And distractions are droughts, stunting growth in these fucking crops. And you, showing up in my dreams, pissing me off, distracting me from the harvest, are the acid rain, killing my fucking crops, douchebag. What'd you do that for?
Well, I mean, that's more if happiness is the harvest. So if it was, then you would STILL be the acid rain.
I just wish I never cared. Because, like, it's not even the fact that I care now because I'm okay, it's the fact that I cared so much and nothing good ever came of it.
Fortunately, some sun is beginning to peek from behind the clouds.
:| <---awkward face for queer analogies.
Friday, October 15, 2010
HAH. ALANAH. GOTCHA.
At the moment Alyssa is convincing Alanah that I'm gay. And that I had sex with my boyfriend. She is SOOOOOO gullible. LOL.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'll tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart, just pretend I didn't tear your world apart.
Break ups suck.
They just fucking suck.
And sometimes it's not even about the person. It's the broken promise. The violation of trust. "You were supposed to be there." "You were supposed to be safe." No, I never wanted you to fake your feelings for me, but I was kind of hoping this wouldn't happen either. All anyone ever does is ramble on and on about how "you're always there", but you're NOT. You don't know how to be. Sure, do I wish you were? Of course I do. Fuck yes, but you weren't and you never really were. You're supposed to put everything you got into every possibility in your life and then, just then, you'll know if it's right, not half-ass it until you realize that it "isn't working anymore." Because in all reality, no, it wasn't not working because we weren't right, it wasn't working because YOU weren't right.
You WEREN'T right. "You were supposed to be there." SUPPOSED. All of you. Just for me. Just to be there for me, not for anything else. You were supposed to be my friend. That's what I thought we were. But you can't do that either. You're so stereotypically closed off. You'll give anything to a stranger. You would give your fucking heart to a stranger, but as soon as you get to know someone--it's all over. You won't make close friends with a real personality. It's all a damn facade. Who are you? Because I sure as hell don't think it's who I THINK you are.
Relationships aren't just labels. Sure, they were when we were ten, but we're fucking adults. They're lifestyles. And if you're not willing to accept that then you shouldn't put anyone in the position to get hurt. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then give it your nothing. Don't give me half of yourself and expect that to be enough. I'm fucking sick of feeling like a psycho. I'm sick of feeling needy, when in reality--no one's given me everything. No one's handed me themselves, fully, untouched and said, "This is me. Take it or leave it." It's always me being me and him being...kind of him. Half of him.
And why the hell is that fair?
So, this is my warning. You've been fairly warned. People give me shit for never having relationship problems, but they only build that assumption off the fact that I've had several boyfriends. But if you look closely at every single one of those relationships, you'll see--they were all bad. None of them worked. None of them stuck. And not in the teenage way, in the "they were just shitty relationships" way. So I've had my fill of "just getting by". I'm DONE. So if this is going to happen, it's going to HAPPEN. And it's going to be real and you're going to be real and you're not going to sugar coat anything. I'll give you me if you give me you. It's a trade-off. Fair and square.
If you're planning on just putting on a show for me, then leave. Go away. Leave me alone because I understand if relationships don't work because people aren't compatible, but I will not, for a second, be pushed to side and prioritized behind insignificant parts of life that you don't even really care about. I should be a top priority. I should be one of the first people you think of in the morning and the last you think about at night and like, I get that I'm being a little dramatic, but I should be your something AT LEAST.
We're young sure, but we're all grown up. We're old enough to buy cars, vote, rent apartments, have sex, smoke and get fucking married--we're old enough to have semi-mature relationships.
And don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm sick of that. I'm all grown up, you don't have to patronize me. Tell me what you're thinking. Be a person. Be real. Let me know what you want. Open up. Don't try. Just be. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't be talking to you. I do like you and I want you, but I do NOT want the perfected version of you because I'M NOT PERFECT. I just want honesty. Just be honest and be yourself--no matter how cliched that sounds--JUST DO IT.
Please, I'm begging you. I am begging you. Don't let me down. Don't let me down again. Because I do want you, you. But do not waste my time AGAIN.
They just fucking suck.
And sometimes it's not even about the person. It's the broken promise. The violation of trust. "You were supposed to be there." "You were supposed to be safe." No, I never wanted you to fake your feelings for me, but I was kind of hoping this wouldn't happen either. All anyone ever does is ramble on and on about how "you're always there", but you're NOT. You don't know how to be. Sure, do I wish you were? Of course I do. Fuck yes, but you weren't and you never really were. You're supposed to put everything you got into every possibility in your life and then, just then, you'll know if it's right, not half-ass it until you realize that it "isn't working anymore." Because in all reality, no, it wasn't not working because we weren't right, it wasn't working because YOU weren't right.
You WEREN'T right. "You were supposed to be there." SUPPOSED. All of you. Just for me. Just to be there for me, not for anything else. You were supposed to be my friend. That's what I thought we were. But you can't do that either. You're so stereotypically closed off. You'll give anything to a stranger. You would give your fucking heart to a stranger, but as soon as you get to know someone--it's all over. You won't make close friends with a real personality. It's all a damn facade. Who are you? Because I sure as hell don't think it's who I THINK you are.
Relationships aren't just labels. Sure, they were when we were ten, but we're fucking adults. They're lifestyles. And if you're not willing to accept that then you shouldn't put anyone in the position to get hurt. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then give it your nothing. Don't give me half of yourself and expect that to be enough. I'm fucking sick of feeling like a psycho. I'm sick of feeling needy, when in reality--no one's given me everything. No one's handed me themselves, fully, untouched and said, "This is me. Take it or leave it." It's always me being me and him being...kind of him. Half of him.
And why the hell is that fair?
So, this is my warning. You've been fairly warned. People give me shit for never having relationship problems, but they only build that assumption off the fact that I've had several boyfriends. But if you look closely at every single one of those relationships, you'll see--they were all bad. None of them worked. None of them stuck. And not in the teenage way, in the "they were just shitty relationships" way. So I've had my fill of "just getting by". I'm DONE. So if this is going to happen, it's going to HAPPEN. And it's going to be real and you're going to be real and you're not going to sugar coat anything. I'll give you me if you give me you. It's a trade-off. Fair and square.
If you're planning on just putting on a show for me, then leave. Go away. Leave me alone because I understand if relationships don't work because people aren't compatible, but I will not, for a second, be pushed to side and prioritized behind insignificant parts of life that you don't even really care about. I should be a top priority. I should be one of the first people you think of in the morning and the last you think about at night and like, I get that I'm being a little dramatic, but I should be your something AT LEAST.
We're young sure, but we're all grown up. We're old enough to buy cars, vote, rent apartments, have sex, smoke and get fucking married--we're old enough to have semi-mature relationships.
And don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm sick of that. I'm all grown up, you don't have to patronize me. Tell me what you're thinking. Be a person. Be real. Let me know what you want. Open up. Don't try. Just be. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't be talking to you. I do like you and I want you, but I do NOT want the perfected version of you because I'M NOT PERFECT. I just want honesty. Just be honest and be yourself--no matter how cliched that sounds--JUST DO IT.
Please, I'm begging you. I am begging you. Don't let me down. Don't let me down again. Because I do want you, you. But do not waste my time AGAIN.
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