Break ups suck.
They just fucking suck.
And sometimes it's not even about the person. It's the broken promise. The violation of trust. "You were supposed to be there." "You were supposed to be safe." No, I never wanted you to fake your feelings for me, but I was kind of hoping this wouldn't happen either. All anyone ever does is ramble on and on about how "you're always there", but you're NOT. You don't know how to be. Sure, do I wish you were? Of course I do. Fuck yes, but you weren't and you never really were. You're supposed to put everything you got into every possibility in your life and then, just then, you'll know if it's right, not half-ass it until you realize that it "isn't working anymore." Because in all reality, no, it wasn't not working because we weren't right, it wasn't working because YOU weren't right.
You WEREN'T right. "You were supposed to be there." SUPPOSED. All of you. Just for me. Just to be there for me, not for anything else. You were supposed to be my friend. That's what I thought we were. But you can't do that either. You're so stereotypically closed off. You'll give anything to a stranger. You would give your fucking heart to a stranger, but as soon as you get to know someone--it's all over. You won't make close friends with a real personality. It's all a damn facade. Who are you? Because I sure as hell don't think it's who I THINK you are.
Relationships aren't just labels. Sure, they were when we were ten, but we're fucking adults. They're lifestyles. And if you're not willing to accept that then you shouldn't put anyone in the position to get hurt. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then give it your nothing. Don't give me half of yourself and expect that to be enough. I'm fucking sick of feeling like a psycho. I'm sick of feeling needy, when in reality--no one's given me everything. No one's handed me themselves, fully, untouched and said, "This is me. Take it or leave it." It's always me being me and him being...kind of him. Half of him.
And why the hell is that fair?
So, this is my warning. You've been fairly warned. People give me shit for never having relationship problems, but they only build that assumption off the fact that I've had several boyfriends. But if you look closely at every single one of those relationships, you'll see--they were all bad. None of them worked. None of them stuck. And not in the teenage way, in the "they were just shitty relationships" way. So I've had my fill of "just getting by". I'm DONE. So if this is going to happen, it's going to HAPPEN. And it's going to be real and you're going to be real and you're not going to sugar coat anything. I'll give you me if you give me you. It's a trade-off. Fair and square.
If you're planning on just putting on a show for me, then leave. Go away. Leave me alone because I understand if relationships don't work because people aren't compatible, but I will not, for a second, be pushed to side and prioritized behind insignificant parts of life that you don't even really care about. I should be a top priority. I should be one of the first people you think of in the morning and the last you think about at night and like, I get that I'm being a little dramatic, but I should be your something AT LEAST.
We're young sure, but we're all grown up. We're old enough to buy cars, vote, rent apartments, have sex, smoke and get fucking married--we're old enough to have semi-mature relationships.
And don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm sick of that. I'm all grown up, you don't have to patronize me. Tell me what you're thinking. Be a person. Be real. Let me know what you want. Open up. Don't try. Just be. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't be talking to you. I do like you and I want you, but I do NOT want the perfected version of you because I'M NOT PERFECT. I just want honesty. Just be honest and be yourself--no matter how cliched that sounds--JUST DO IT.
Please, I'm begging you. I am begging you. Don't let me down. Don't let me down again. Because I do want you, you. But do not waste my time AGAIN.
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