Must be:
Funny
Sarcastic
Able to understand my sarcasm 150% of the time
Kind
Compassionate
Intelligent (which means that he must have a basic understanding of grammar with high understanding in mathematics and science and/or high understanding in grammar and basic or minimal understanding in mathematics and science)
Respectful (he must understand why I don't want to have sex, he must respect my beliefs, he must respect my family, my mother, father, sister, friends, life in general)
He must like me, a lot.
He shouldn't have to think about it.
He shouldn't be afraid of me.
He should be able to tell me the truth.
I should be able to trust him from the start.
He should respect me enough to tell me the truth.
It was one of the first things I told him. "I have trouble trusting and I want to trust you, but you have to be honest with me or else it will never work." I am not a jealous person. I am not, but break my trust and you can say goodbye to me ever having faith in you again. This is true. About 80% of the time. Which is why my feelings towards you make no sense.
You first had to "think" about dating me.
Then you told me kissing me "felt wrong" which not only made me feel stupid, but also made me question your intentions and the person you really were.
Later, you constantly put me at the bottom of your priorities.
You almost broke up with me in the beginning of August. You didn't and I took you back, happily. (WTF?)
I told you I loved you. You told me you had to think about it.
You came up to visit me at college with a tin of brownies (I have always, will always, hate brownies) and then we argued about Jake...again. Because you didn't trust me.
And then you broke up with me. Explained how at home you felt less pressured without me there. I felt like a rapist. Fucking shit. Sure, making you uncomfortable became almost a sport for me, but it was only a sport. It was never a serious feeling.
You made me brownies. And I still loved you.
Eighty percent of our relationship you were making brownies for me and I was still loving you. Twenty percent of our relationship you were being a wonderful boyfriend. You were making me feel special. You were just being the lovely person that I wanted so badly to be a part of and you were letting me be a part of it. I can remember moments, play by play, when you were perfect and you didn't even know it.
You whispered, "Excuse me honey" once and I actually died.
Alanah saw it.
You know in old language and phrases how the word swoon is used? Like, women would swoon all the time. Just drop into the arms of men, because obviously they are unable of doing anything else. It sounds really gay, but it's true. Women would "swoon."
I had never swooned before that moment. It was like, you just said one thing and suddenly I felt weak in the knees and I considered fainting. (I didn't of course because that would be ridiculous.) But after so many years of laughing at the idea of "swooning" I finally did. And I felt dumb. But I couldn't even help it.
And I think that's the key. No matter how gay it is, my guy should be able to make me swoon, so easily. Just like that. You called me honey and I broke into a million little pieces, all over Josh's carpet. And there was no one there to put me back together because you didn't come back to that place enough. There was the time during ten minute plays, when I saw you and you were so excited to see me.
I swooned then too.
Or after senior banquet when you called me amazing.
Yup, then too.
But every time, I just kept breaking up inside. Happily, uncontrollably and then this side would disappear from your personality and no one would be there to pick me up. So I would just sit there. Broken. On the carpet. Probably crying because by this point I would be upset, again that you didn't seem to care, but there it is.
Must be:
Able to be one person at all times. Make me swoon. Pick up the pieces afterwards and hold me, comfort me, so that I form back together as a person and know you'll be back after you leave. I'm so sick of turning around for a split second and then turning back around to find you gone, again.
So must stay in one place and be one person. That's all I'm asking for the next one. One place, one person, because I've only got one heart and I'm really sick of people messing with it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hey you, it's been awhile, I miss our walks, our talks, things are changing, where's the one of whom I fell in love?
^Those song lyrics are mine incidentally. I wrote this song over a year ago. About someone else. However, I keep finding that many breakup songs can fit the situation over and over and over again. This one is particularly personal, but I still find that parts of it work for many different situations.
It's basically a song about a guy and a girl who are good friends, date briefly and then the guy just disappears from her life. "Where's the one of whom I fell in love?" Other important lines include, "Hey boy, won't you meet me by the beach wall, we'll take a walk there and maybe we'll even figure out," and "We were way in over our heads and you would follow where you were led and we could never find the right route, I only wanted to help you out, so take a step back and then you'll see all the bullshit you gave to me, you took me in, you spat me out."
And I wrote this over a year ago. I really should just become a psychic and call it a day. Get an office. Put up my name in neon lights on the door, fill the room with incense and beaded...items and spew bullshit from my mouth on a daily basis.
That's beside the point.
More important than love this song is about friendship. It's about relationships screwing up all that's good. We were friends. We liked each other. And I don't mean that in a sexual or lovey dovey way. We liked each other's company. Or else I liked your company. WE WERE FRIENDS. Where'd that go?
RULE #1: RELATIONSHIPS SCREW UP THE BEST OF FRIENDSHIPS...LIKE BIG TIME.
I had a dream last night. It was simple, much like many of my dreams and you were in it and you were talking to me and you were stressed. You just needed a friend and I was there and I wanted to be there and, more importantly, you WANTED ME THERE. It was exciting and new and I felt happy and then I woke up and realized it was a dream and felt...sad.
We were friends. Good friends. I hate when things get screwed up.
AND THAT'S ALL I WANT. I realized that. Yesterday. I realized it's not about our relationship, it's not about how it didn't work, it's not about your religion, my religion, our differences, it's not about your homework or my spontaneity, it's not about band or chorus or the piano or your plays or my music or any other FUCKING thing in this world. IT'S ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. That's why I'm sad. I became friends with you. I liked you. I liked being around you. You made me feel better. You knew how to make me feel better. Even if you didn't realize it and I liked that. And now that's gone. And hey, I'll be okay, it's not like my world is gonna come crashing down but it's a comfort thing. I liked you there.
But you're gone. And you don't seem to miss my company and that really hurts. Because at the very least, even if you didn't want to have sex with me or if you loved solving equations more than me or if you loved musical theater more than me or if you loved ANYTHING IN THE WORLD more than me, I thought you liked me company. I thought you did.
Now I realize, you're faker than I thought. That really sucks. But hey, I'll get over it.
You know, soon.
It's basically a song about a guy and a girl who are good friends, date briefly and then the guy just disappears from her life. "Where's the one of whom I fell in love?" Other important lines include, "Hey boy, won't you meet me by the beach wall, we'll take a walk there and maybe we'll even figure out," and "We were way in over our heads and you would follow where you were led and we could never find the right route, I only wanted to help you out, so take a step back and then you'll see all the bullshit you gave to me, you took me in, you spat me out."
And I wrote this over a year ago. I really should just become a psychic and call it a day. Get an office. Put up my name in neon lights on the door, fill the room with incense and beaded...items and spew bullshit from my mouth on a daily basis.
That's beside the point.
More important than love this song is about friendship. It's about relationships screwing up all that's good. We were friends. We liked each other. And I don't mean that in a sexual or lovey dovey way. We liked each other's company. Or else I liked your company. WE WERE FRIENDS. Where'd that go?
RULE #1: RELATIONSHIPS SCREW UP THE BEST OF FRIENDSHIPS...LIKE BIG TIME.
I had a dream last night. It was simple, much like many of my dreams and you were in it and you were talking to me and you were stressed. You just needed a friend and I was there and I wanted to be there and, more importantly, you WANTED ME THERE. It was exciting and new and I felt happy and then I woke up and realized it was a dream and felt...sad.
We were friends. Good friends. I hate when things get screwed up.
AND THAT'S ALL I WANT. I realized that. Yesterday. I realized it's not about our relationship, it's not about how it didn't work, it's not about your religion, my religion, our differences, it's not about your homework or my spontaneity, it's not about band or chorus or the piano or your plays or my music or any other FUCKING thing in this world. IT'S ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. That's why I'm sad. I became friends with you. I liked you. I liked being around you. You made me feel better. You knew how to make me feel better. Even if you didn't realize it and I liked that. And now that's gone. And hey, I'll be okay, it's not like my world is gonna come crashing down but it's a comfort thing. I liked you there.
But you're gone. And you don't seem to miss my company and that really hurts. Because at the very least, even if you didn't want to have sex with me or if you loved solving equations more than me or if you loved musical theater more than me or if you loved ANYTHING IN THE WORLD more than me, I thought you liked me company. I thought you did.
Now I realize, you're faker than I thought. That really sucks. But hey, I'll get over it.
You know, soon.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Emotions. Hah. Remember those things I used to have...a lot more than I do now? :]
So. Once upon a time I dated this boy and he was sort of lukewarm through our whole relationship. But I kept hanging on because, for some reason, I believed that it was for the best--that in the end, he cared a lot, but he just didn't know how to show it and I thought he needed a chance. Then. He dumped me.
Good judgment, Kells.
And THEN, I met this other boy who was pretty much the first boy...with minor differences. He played sports and he liked me a whole freaking lot and he would do ANYTHING to make me happy. Sounds perfect, right?
I thought so too, and I still do, for the most part, but then the similarities between these boys started rearing their ugly heads. Same interests, same dumb quirks, same goofy personalities, just same, same, same.
And in all reality, that wasn't a problem at first because it was like, but this is someone else, not him, someone else. And he's a totally different person and he's sweet and he cares and he would do just anything for me. But the more I joked with my friends, the more the same jokes came out. Gawwwwd, can we PLEASE stop making jokes about the Wizard of Oz, PLEASE. Like, I laugh every time because it's funny, but it's like, I so quickly associate those jokes with the first guy. It's reflex and it doesn't consciously upset me at the time, but later it does because it's almost like in my mind, I think, "Ugh. Remember that time when all my friends and my boyfriend were in the musical together and we made jokes all the time and it was funny and I was sick of hearing them and-,"
Oh.
Farmington, Maine.
Someone else.
Hm.
Interesting.
And I love Farmington, I do, I really do and I love all my friends and I'm mostly okay, it's just certain things set me off. It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I'm emotionally retarded--I did spend the first eighteen years of my life like this after all--and I mean, for the last three months I've been 150% better, but...sometimes I slip. But just sometimes.
Moreover, sex freaks me out. Hormones freak me out. The bottom line is, my fifteenth year happened and it was crazy and I didn't like it and, while I don't feel guilty, it sort of emotionally crippled me with sex. And my emotions just flip flop so quickly. It's like, one day, I'm okay and I feel fine and the next, I'm paranoid...so paranoid that my personality has nothing to do with my relationship...
I just want an answer. What is right? What will make me feel like shit? Why am I so sensitive all the time?
Give me an answer.
But I guess these emotions are my answer...right? It only makes sense. Everyone always says "listen to your heart" or whatever...shit and I suppose that's true and perhaps I shouldn't question it and I should just be careful. Super careful not to hurt myself.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I'm trying my best to put it into words.
Botton line is:
Rejection sucks.
Break ups suck.
Sexual relations are complicated.
And I'm a little homesick.
And I don't know why the fuck I care about you anymore. But all I know is it's freaking complicated and I just...I just hate it. And, the thing is, this would be SO much easier if I thought you ever cared half as much as I did, but I don't believe that. I don't even believe that. And now I'm trying my very hardest to fight past these feelings and care about about someone new, to direct these feelings 100% at someone who cares about me just soooooo much.
I want this to be easy. I want fifteen to have never happened. I want my eight months back. I want to be beautiful--not hot, not pretty. I want him to say I'm beautiful. And I want everyone to stop making jokes about the fucking Wizard of Oz.
<3
Good judgment, Kells.
And THEN, I met this other boy who was pretty much the first boy...with minor differences. He played sports and he liked me a whole freaking lot and he would do ANYTHING to make me happy. Sounds perfect, right?
I thought so too, and I still do, for the most part, but then the similarities between these boys started rearing their ugly heads. Same interests, same dumb quirks, same goofy personalities, just same, same, same.
And in all reality, that wasn't a problem at first because it was like, but this is someone else, not him, someone else. And he's a totally different person and he's sweet and he cares and he would do just anything for me. But the more I joked with my friends, the more the same jokes came out. Gawwwwd, can we PLEASE stop making jokes about the Wizard of Oz, PLEASE. Like, I laugh every time because it's funny, but it's like, I so quickly associate those jokes with the first guy. It's reflex and it doesn't consciously upset me at the time, but later it does because it's almost like in my mind, I think, "Ugh. Remember that time when all my friends and my boyfriend were in the musical together and we made jokes all the time and it was funny and I was sick of hearing them and-,"
Oh.
Farmington, Maine.
Someone else.
Hm.
Interesting.
And I love Farmington, I do, I really do and I love all my friends and I'm mostly okay, it's just certain things set me off. It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I'm emotionally retarded--I did spend the first eighteen years of my life like this after all--and I mean, for the last three months I've been 150% better, but...sometimes I slip. But just sometimes.
Moreover, sex freaks me out. Hormones freak me out. The bottom line is, my fifteenth year happened and it was crazy and I didn't like it and, while I don't feel guilty, it sort of emotionally crippled me with sex. And my emotions just flip flop so quickly. It's like, one day, I'm okay and I feel fine and the next, I'm paranoid...so paranoid that my personality has nothing to do with my relationship...
I just want an answer. What is right? What will make me feel like shit? Why am I so sensitive all the time?
Give me an answer.
But I guess these emotions are my answer...right? It only makes sense. Everyone always says "listen to your heart" or whatever...shit and I suppose that's true and perhaps I shouldn't question it and I should just be careful. Super careful not to hurt myself.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I'm trying my best to put it into words.
Botton line is:
Rejection sucks.
Break ups suck.
Sexual relations are complicated.
And I'm a little homesick.
And I don't know why the fuck I care about you anymore. But all I know is it's freaking complicated and I just...I just hate it. And, the thing is, this would be SO much easier if I thought you ever cared half as much as I did, but I don't believe that. I don't even believe that. And now I'm trying my very hardest to fight past these feelings and care about about someone new, to direct these feelings 100% at someone who cares about me just soooooo much.
I want this to be easy. I want fifteen to have never happened. I want my eight months back. I want to be beautiful--not hot, not pretty. I want him to say I'm beautiful. And I want everyone to stop making jokes about the fucking Wizard of Oz.
<3
Monday, October 18, 2010
If tests are harvests...then you're the acid rain, killing my crop. Thanks a lot, asshole.
So today my Arab/Israeli Conflict professor told my class her philosophy about school. "Tests are like harvests." Um. Okay, thanks for the super queer analogy. I almost giggled when she said this because it was only a few days ago when Michael informed me that this was her philosophy. Not to mention the fact that almost any time anything is compared to nature, it's gay. And I mean that in the least offensive way possible. I remember reading something a couple days ago, written on a large refrigerator magnet, in varying shades of blue: "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Well, gee, thanks Marcel Proust for making happiness as stupidly gay as possible.
Why is it necessary to compare it to nature? Why don't we just say, "Be grateful for nice people"? No, it makes more sense to talk about "charming gardeners" and "blossoming souls".
GAY.
This isn't my point though. I started taking this analogy deeper. Because that only makes sense. If someone's going to say something queer, I will make it queerer. That's when I decided that tests are harvests, reading is planting crops while studying is watering these crops. And distractions are droughts, stunting growth in these fucking crops. And you, showing up in my dreams, pissing me off, distracting me from the harvest, are the acid rain, killing my fucking crops, douchebag. What'd you do that for?
Well, I mean, that's more if happiness is the harvest. So if it was, then you would STILL be the acid rain.
I just wish I never cared. Because, like, it's not even the fact that I care now because I'm okay, it's the fact that I cared so much and nothing good ever came of it.
Fortunately, some sun is beginning to peek from behind the clouds.
:| <---awkward face for queer analogies.
Why is it necessary to compare it to nature? Why don't we just say, "Be grateful for nice people"? No, it makes more sense to talk about "charming gardeners" and "blossoming souls".
GAY.
This isn't my point though. I started taking this analogy deeper. Because that only makes sense. If someone's going to say something queer, I will make it queerer. That's when I decided that tests are harvests, reading is planting crops while studying is watering these crops. And distractions are droughts, stunting growth in these fucking crops. And you, showing up in my dreams, pissing me off, distracting me from the harvest, are the acid rain, killing my fucking crops, douchebag. What'd you do that for?
Well, I mean, that's more if happiness is the harvest. So if it was, then you would STILL be the acid rain.
I just wish I never cared. Because, like, it's not even the fact that I care now because I'm okay, it's the fact that I cared so much and nothing good ever came of it.
Fortunately, some sun is beginning to peek from behind the clouds.
:| <---awkward face for queer analogies.
Friday, October 15, 2010
HAH. ALANAH. GOTCHA.
At the moment Alyssa is convincing Alanah that I'm gay. And that I had sex with my boyfriend. She is SOOOOOO gullible. LOL.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'll tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart, just pretend I didn't tear your world apart.
Break ups suck.
They just fucking suck.
And sometimes it's not even about the person. It's the broken promise. The violation of trust. "You were supposed to be there." "You were supposed to be safe." No, I never wanted you to fake your feelings for me, but I was kind of hoping this wouldn't happen either. All anyone ever does is ramble on and on about how "you're always there", but you're NOT. You don't know how to be. Sure, do I wish you were? Of course I do. Fuck yes, but you weren't and you never really were. You're supposed to put everything you got into every possibility in your life and then, just then, you'll know if it's right, not half-ass it until you realize that it "isn't working anymore." Because in all reality, no, it wasn't not working because we weren't right, it wasn't working because YOU weren't right.
You WEREN'T right. "You were supposed to be there." SUPPOSED. All of you. Just for me. Just to be there for me, not for anything else. You were supposed to be my friend. That's what I thought we were. But you can't do that either. You're so stereotypically closed off. You'll give anything to a stranger. You would give your fucking heart to a stranger, but as soon as you get to know someone--it's all over. You won't make close friends with a real personality. It's all a damn facade. Who are you? Because I sure as hell don't think it's who I THINK you are.
Relationships aren't just labels. Sure, they were when we were ten, but we're fucking adults. They're lifestyles. And if you're not willing to accept that then you shouldn't put anyone in the position to get hurt. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then give it your nothing. Don't give me half of yourself and expect that to be enough. I'm fucking sick of feeling like a psycho. I'm sick of feeling needy, when in reality--no one's given me everything. No one's handed me themselves, fully, untouched and said, "This is me. Take it or leave it." It's always me being me and him being...kind of him. Half of him.
And why the hell is that fair?
So, this is my warning. You've been fairly warned. People give me shit for never having relationship problems, but they only build that assumption off the fact that I've had several boyfriends. But if you look closely at every single one of those relationships, you'll see--they were all bad. None of them worked. None of them stuck. And not in the teenage way, in the "they were just shitty relationships" way. So I've had my fill of "just getting by". I'm DONE. So if this is going to happen, it's going to HAPPEN. And it's going to be real and you're going to be real and you're not going to sugar coat anything. I'll give you me if you give me you. It's a trade-off. Fair and square.
If you're planning on just putting on a show for me, then leave. Go away. Leave me alone because I understand if relationships don't work because people aren't compatible, but I will not, for a second, be pushed to side and prioritized behind insignificant parts of life that you don't even really care about. I should be a top priority. I should be one of the first people you think of in the morning and the last you think about at night and like, I get that I'm being a little dramatic, but I should be your something AT LEAST.
We're young sure, but we're all grown up. We're old enough to buy cars, vote, rent apartments, have sex, smoke and get fucking married--we're old enough to have semi-mature relationships.
And don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm sick of that. I'm all grown up, you don't have to patronize me. Tell me what you're thinking. Be a person. Be real. Let me know what you want. Open up. Don't try. Just be. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't be talking to you. I do like you and I want you, but I do NOT want the perfected version of you because I'M NOT PERFECT. I just want honesty. Just be honest and be yourself--no matter how cliched that sounds--JUST DO IT.
Please, I'm begging you. I am begging you. Don't let me down. Don't let me down again. Because I do want you, you. But do not waste my time AGAIN.
They just fucking suck.
And sometimes it's not even about the person. It's the broken promise. The violation of trust. "You were supposed to be there." "You were supposed to be safe." No, I never wanted you to fake your feelings for me, but I was kind of hoping this wouldn't happen either. All anyone ever does is ramble on and on about how "you're always there", but you're NOT. You don't know how to be. Sure, do I wish you were? Of course I do. Fuck yes, but you weren't and you never really were. You're supposed to put everything you got into every possibility in your life and then, just then, you'll know if it's right, not half-ass it until you realize that it "isn't working anymore." Because in all reality, no, it wasn't not working because we weren't right, it wasn't working because YOU weren't right.
You WEREN'T right. "You were supposed to be there." SUPPOSED. All of you. Just for me. Just to be there for me, not for anything else. You were supposed to be my friend. That's what I thought we were. But you can't do that either. You're so stereotypically closed off. You'll give anything to a stranger. You would give your fucking heart to a stranger, but as soon as you get to know someone--it's all over. You won't make close friends with a real personality. It's all a damn facade. Who are you? Because I sure as hell don't think it's who I THINK you are.
Relationships aren't just labels. Sure, they were when we were ten, but we're fucking adults. They're lifestyles. And if you're not willing to accept that then you shouldn't put anyone in the position to get hurt. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then give it your nothing. Don't give me half of yourself and expect that to be enough. I'm fucking sick of feeling like a psycho. I'm sick of feeling needy, when in reality--no one's given me everything. No one's handed me themselves, fully, untouched and said, "This is me. Take it or leave it." It's always me being me and him being...kind of him. Half of him.
And why the hell is that fair?
So, this is my warning. You've been fairly warned. People give me shit for never having relationship problems, but they only build that assumption off the fact that I've had several boyfriends. But if you look closely at every single one of those relationships, you'll see--they were all bad. None of them worked. None of them stuck. And not in the teenage way, in the "they were just shitty relationships" way. So I've had my fill of "just getting by". I'm DONE. So if this is going to happen, it's going to HAPPEN. And it's going to be real and you're going to be real and you're not going to sugar coat anything. I'll give you me if you give me you. It's a trade-off. Fair and square.
If you're planning on just putting on a show for me, then leave. Go away. Leave me alone because I understand if relationships don't work because people aren't compatible, but I will not, for a second, be pushed to side and prioritized behind insignificant parts of life that you don't even really care about. I should be a top priority. I should be one of the first people you think of in the morning and the last you think about at night and like, I get that I'm being a little dramatic, but I should be your something AT LEAST.
We're young sure, but we're all grown up. We're old enough to buy cars, vote, rent apartments, have sex, smoke and get fucking married--we're old enough to have semi-mature relationships.
And don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm sick of that. I'm all grown up, you don't have to patronize me. Tell me what you're thinking. Be a person. Be real. Let me know what you want. Open up. Don't try. Just be. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't be talking to you. I do like you and I want you, but I do NOT want the perfected version of you because I'M NOT PERFECT. I just want honesty. Just be honest and be yourself--no matter how cliched that sounds--JUST DO IT.
Please, I'm begging you. I am begging you. Don't let me down. Don't let me down again. Because I do want you, you. But do not waste my time AGAIN.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
HELLO WORLD. IT IS I, A CATHOLIC GIRL WHO IS NICE, OPEN-MINDED AND ENTIRELY UNHOMOPHOBIC. BELIEVE IT.
SO I'VE GOT A LOTTA COMPLAINTS TODAY.
Most importantly, I would like to cover the topic of religion. And I don't mean, I'm going to be like--guys, say your prayers, go to church, don't use the Lord's name in vain...NO. I'm angry about an entirely different situation and it's the assumption. When did it become okay to assume? It makes an ass out of you and me, but mostly just you.
I have a confession.
I am a Catholic.
Yes, Catholic. I can only imagine the terrible things you're thinking of me now, but this is when I explain myself. I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe that every night someone listens to my prayers and that there is a path paved for me already. I believe that someone watches over me, keeping me safe. It makes me feel comfortable. It makes feel joy. I love going to church. I love praying. I love believing in something that is so extraordinary.
But I do not love the endless judgments that others pass on me daily.
But worse are the people who support this unfortunate judgment. Why is it that so many people take Catholicism as an excuse to judge others. I find it ironic. Being a Christian is 100% about being a good person and learning to love everyone. It has absolutely nothing to do with judgment. Why exactly does it make sense to exile others for their mistakes and, moreover, why don't we forgive? That's the whole point. Forgiveness, so that people can come to terms with their past knowing that there is someone, something watching and caring and listening.
So, I would like to propose that if you judge harshly, use the word 'hate' frequently, gossip about people you do not agree with, 'disagree with homosexuality' (which I never understood because it's not something one chooses), or just generally look through an eye clouded with unfair beliefs of others and STILL call yourself a Christian--think about about what you're saying. You're saying you believe to love everyone equally and forgive frequently, when you hardly do these things at all.
If you wish to do well for others, then you're a Christian. End of story. If you love all, regardless of the way they live their everyday lives, then you're a Christian. Why in the world would anyone straying from the path want to listen to someone who is mean and careless? I'm just sayin'.
I know a lot of others much like myself, but I also know a number of people who are like the people I'm describing.
And moreover, why the hell are so many Catholics focused on such SMALL aspects of life? I remember, a couple of years ago when Britney's single "If You Seek Amy" came out and my choir director was disgusted. Simply disgusted. Why the hell are we focused on pop culture? Why are we focused on stopping abortion at all costs? Why do we try to push our beliefs on others using violence and fear? Isn't that EXACTLY NOT what Christianity is about? What scared, unhappy woman who is considering abortion wants to listen to a group of angry, cold "Christians"?
Life is complicated enough as it is. We sure as hell do not need people trying to impose fear on others with violent, rash decisions. And what about all of the children in the world whose lives we CAN control? What are we doing about that? I know few TRUE Christians, but if there are any, they are the women who run the St. Charles Children's Home in Rochester, New Hampshire. People who help others using love, looking only forward to the future. Yes, abortion kinda sucks, but there are SO many other children in this world who need our attention.
The bottom line is, I have no idea why love isn't used in all situations. People are basically scared and anyone who is contemplating terrible decisions is not going to listen to anger--she or he might respond to love though.
Life is NOT black and white people and I'm fucking sick of people assuming it is. All Catholics are not bitchy, but there sure as hell aren't SOME bitchy ones. All I'm saying is, religion can be a good thing and I'm an example of where it works. And if more people--Christian, Jewish, Muslim, WHATEVER--reacted to problematic situations with love and not anger, then I think a lot more people would look at religion with a positive eye.
Thank you all for listening to this rant. Hope you aren't all too bored. :]
Most importantly, I would like to cover the topic of religion. And I don't mean, I'm going to be like--guys, say your prayers, go to church, don't use the Lord's name in vain...NO. I'm angry about an entirely different situation and it's the assumption. When did it become okay to assume? It makes an ass out of you and me, but mostly just you.
I have a confession.
I am a Catholic.
Yes, Catholic. I can only imagine the terrible things you're thinking of me now, but this is when I explain myself. I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe that every night someone listens to my prayers and that there is a path paved for me already. I believe that someone watches over me, keeping me safe. It makes me feel comfortable. It makes feel joy. I love going to church. I love praying. I love believing in something that is so extraordinary.
But I do not love the endless judgments that others pass on me daily.
But worse are the people who support this unfortunate judgment. Why is it that so many people take Catholicism as an excuse to judge others. I find it ironic. Being a Christian is 100% about being a good person and learning to love everyone. It has absolutely nothing to do with judgment. Why exactly does it make sense to exile others for their mistakes and, moreover, why don't we forgive? That's the whole point. Forgiveness, so that people can come to terms with their past knowing that there is someone, something watching and caring and listening.
So, I would like to propose that if you judge harshly, use the word 'hate' frequently, gossip about people you do not agree with, 'disagree with homosexuality' (which I never understood because it's not something one chooses), or just generally look through an eye clouded with unfair beliefs of others and STILL call yourself a Christian--think about about what you're saying. You're saying you believe to love everyone equally and forgive frequently, when you hardly do these things at all.
If you wish to do well for others, then you're a Christian. End of story. If you love all, regardless of the way they live their everyday lives, then you're a Christian. Why in the world would anyone straying from the path want to listen to someone who is mean and careless? I'm just sayin'.
I know a lot of others much like myself, but I also know a number of people who are like the people I'm describing.
And moreover, why the hell are so many Catholics focused on such SMALL aspects of life? I remember, a couple of years ago when Britney's single "If You Seek Amy" came out and my choir director was disgusted. Simply disgusted. Why the hell are we focused on pop culture? Why are we focused on stopping abortion at all costs? Why do we try to push our beliefs on others using violence and fear? Isn't that EXACTLY NOT what Christianity is about? What scared, unhappy woman who is considering abortion wants to listen to a group of angry, cold "Christians"?
Life is complicated enough as it is. We sure as hell do not need people trying to impose fear on others with violent, rash decisions. And what about all of the children in the world whose lives we CAN control? What are we doing about that? I know few TRUE Christians, but if there are any, they are the women who run the St. Charles Children's Home in Rochester, New Hampshire. People who help others using love, looking only forward to the future. Yes, abortion kinda sucks, but there are SO many other children in this world who need our attention.
The bottom line is, I have no idea why love isn't used in all situations. People are basically scared and anyone who is contemplating terrible decisions is not going to listen to anger--she or he might respond to love though.
Life is NOT black and white people and I'm fucking sick of people assuming it is. All Catholics are not bitchy, but there sure as hell aren't SOME bitchy ones. All I'm saying is, religion can be a good thing and I'm an example of where it works. And if more people--Christian, Jewish, Muslim, WHATEVER--reacted to problematic situations with love and not anger, then I think a lot more people would look at religion with a positive eye.
Thank you all for listening to this rant. Hope you aren't all too bored. :]
Things that I wish I could say.
If I was ballsy, I'd make this my status. Unfortunately, I don't feel like fighting up a storm with everyone at home so I won't.
This is it:
If you don't have the maturity to grow up and accept that some things in life don't fit within the lines of your book of decency, then keep your mouth shut until you're ready to do so. I find it disgusting that you feel the need to pass judgment on something you know nothing about simply because it may make you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. It only proves how close-minded and immature you are. But I mean, hey! You're Catholic right? And that's the stereotype we want to support--we're close-minded, careless jerks who simply want to force our beliefs in the eyes of others. Thank you for being exactly who I thought you were. <3
That is all.
This is it:
If you don't have the maturity to grow up and accept that some things in life don't fit within the lines of your book of decency, then keep your mouth shut until you're ready to do so. I find it disgusting that you feel the need to pass judgment on something you know nothing about simply because it may make you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. It only proves how close-minded and immature you are. But I mean, hey! You're Catholic right? And that's the stereotype we want to support--we're close-minded, careless jerks who simply want to force our beliefs in the eyes of others. Thank you for being exactly who I thought you were. <3
That is all.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I wish someone would buy ME 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of my inn.
Sometimes I just wish I was Lorelei Gilmore, or Rory Gilmore--either way. I just wish that over the top expressions of love happened all the time and I wish that love was based on personality 100% and I wish that unrequited love didn't exist and I wish that wonderful people weren't kept in the friend zone forever and ever.
I wish that expressing these feelings weren't matched with a fear of loss of the wonderful person who these feelings are being expressed to. I wish that beauty could be realized, I wish it wasn't like, "Oh, I don't find you attractive, so I NEVER will." I wish he could see it. I wish he could, for you, because you deserve it, if anyone does. You do. I wish he would buy you 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of your inn. I wish he would.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I just wish someone would see what I see, that's all. This started out as directed at one person, but it's more like two. I wish he could too. For you as well. I wish he could see what I see. A wonderful, fantastic person. I only wish you know I tried really hard not to be stupid and to shake it off. I tried. Really tried. I wish he, the real he, loved you and bought you 1000 daisies and left them in the lobby of your inn. I wish he would.
I wish this could be simple. I wish he hadn't hurt me. I wish he hadn't dropped me. I wish he hadn't left me. Not because I want anyone back, but because then I would be able to recognize a healthy relationship, but I can't. I swear, it's just the idea of someone who just cares about me, who thinks I'm beautiful--the idea's like crack to me. And he does, I swear it. I'm nearly positive.
I wish he would buy me 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of my inn. Then I'd be sure. Or I'd dump him and run away from my wedding--either way.
;]
I just wish he would read your words and smile and agree and call you and tell you he loved you as well. I only wish, I wish, I wish--because you deserve it. I don't think you need it (even though you will swear up and down you do), I think you're independent, I think you are a wonderful person alone and you don't need anyone to complete that, eventually yes, but not just yet. But you deserve it.
I wish that he could see what I see. Just a really cool person. I wish he could see that and realize people like us are the "once in a lifetime" kind and twenty years from now the vain looks of those who are conventionally beautiful will only get him so far in achieving true happiness for the rest of his life.
I wish, I wish, I wish. Just buy her 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of her inn. Pretty please.
I wish that expressing these feelings weren't matched with a fear of loss of the wonderful person who these feelings are being expressed to. I wish that beauty could be realized, I wish it wasn't like, "Oh, I don't find you attractive, so I NEVER will." I wish he could see it. I wish he could, for you, because you deserve it, if anyone does. You do. I wish he would buy you 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of your inn. I wish he would.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I just wish someone would see what I see, that's all. This started out as directed at one person, but it's more like two. I wish he could too. For you as well. I wish he could see what I see. A wonderful, fantastic person. I only wish you know I tried really hard not to be stupid and to shake it off. I tried. Really tried. I wish he, the real he, loved you and bought you 1000 daisies and left them in the lobby of your inn. I wish he would.
I wish this could be simple. I wish he hadn't hurt me. I wish he hadn't dropped me. I wish he hadn't left me. Not because I want anyone back, but because then I would be able to recognize a healthy relationship, but I can't. I swear, it's just the idea of someone who just cares about me, who thinks I'm beautiful--the idea's like crack to me. And he does, I swear it. I'm nearly positive.
I wish he would buy me 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of my inn. Then I'd be sure. Or I'd dump him and run away from my wedding--either way.
;]
I just wish he would read your words and smile and agree and call you and tell you he loved you as well. I only wish, I wish, I wish--because you deserve it. I don't think you need it (even though you will swear up and down you do), I think you're independent, I think you are a wonderful person alone and you don't need anyone to complete that, eventually yes, but not just yet. But you deserve it.
I wish that he could see what I see. Just a really cool person. I wish he could see that and realize people like us are the "once in a lifetime" kind and twenty years from now the vain looks of those who are conventionally beautiful will only get him so far in achieving true happiness for the rest of his life.
I wish, I wish, I wish. Just buy her 1000 daisies and leave them in the lobby of her inn. Pretty please.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
"But I don't want to draw anymore penises!"
Ha. Haha.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
LAWLZ. <3
My roommate left for the weekend and Alyssa, Chelsea, Mike and I took it upon ourselves to draw over 100 penises on notebook paper and hide them around the room. These things included a "Welcome Back" sign drawn entirely with penises, 30 or so under the covers of her bed, one in the microwave, one in the fridge, one with all the "Full House" characters, one with a bow for Christmas, one over a picture of her grandmother, one in hot chocolate, one in the Harry Potter DVD and finally one on the movie "Seven Pounds" which was rewritten to be "Seven Penises".
LOL. <:D
I really did write a pros and cons list. Jagganath came out on top in the end. But that doesn't mean that THAT'S gonna happen.
Incidentally, I discovered that my friends suck. It turns out that this certain person has actually been crushing on me the whole time, even though I spent a week assuming I was a manipulative slutty bitch. This was a complete lie. He did like me. The whole time. No one told me. So now I've just CONVINCED myself I'm a bitch.
Real special.
Meh.
Jagganath is always around when I'm blogging and he's usually near me. He's come to known blogging as a "vagina thing" because I told him only girls can see it. In reality, he just can't see it. Haha.
Hah.
I jumped up nearly twenty times last night, rolled onto my butt, my back erect and my eyes wide. "It's Sunday!" I exclaimed, staring across the room at Meg. Meg rolled her eyes, nearly every time.
"I know Kellsey, I know!" She then rolled over and went back to sleep. I couldn't decide if she actually thought I was annoying or not.
So here's to not creating tragic situations this week!
:DDDDDD
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
LAWLZ. <3
My roommate left for the weekend and Alyssa, Chelsea, Mike and I took it upon ourselves to draw over 100 penises on notebook paper and hide them around the room. These things included a "Welcome Back" sign drawn entirely with penises, 30 or so under the covers of her bed, one in the microwave, one in the fridge, one with all the "Full House" characters, one with a bow for Christmas, one over a picture of her grandmother, one in hot chocolate, one in the Harry Potter DVD and finally one on the movie "Seven Pounds" which was rewritten to be "Seven Penises".
LOL. <:D
I really did write a pros and cons list. Jagganath came out on top in the end. But that doesn't mean that THAT'S gonna happen.
Incidentally, I discovered that my friends suck. It turns out that this certain person has actually been crushing on me the whole time, even though I spent a week assuming I was a manipulative slutty bitch. This was a complete lie. He did like me. The whole time. No one told me. So now I've just CONVINCED myself I'm a bitch.
Real special.
Meh.
Jagganath is always around when I'm blogging and he's usually near me. He's come to known blogging as a "vagina thing" because I told him only girls can see it. In reality, he just can't see it. Haha.
Hah.
I jumped up nearly twenty times last night, rolled onto my butt, my back erect and my eyes wide. "It's Sunday!" I exclaimed, staring across the room at Meg. Meg rolled her eyes, nearly every time.
"I know Kellsey, I know!" She then rolled over and went back to sleep. I couldn't decide if she actually thought I was annoying or not.
So here's to not creating tragic situations this week!
:DDDDDD
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