So. Once upon a time I dated this boy and he was sort of lukewarm through our whole relationship. But I kept hanging on because, for some reason, I believed that it was for the best--that in the end, he cared a lot, but he just didn't know how to show it and I thought he needed a chance. Then. He dumped me.
Good judgment, Kells.
And THEN, I met this other boy who was pretty much the first boy...with minor differences. He played sports and he liked me a whole freaking lot and he would do ANYTHING to make me happy. Sounds perfect, right?
I thought so too, and I still do, for the most part, but then the similarities between these boys started rearing their ugly heads. Same interests, same dumb quirks, same goofy personalities, just same, same, same.
And in all reality, that wasn't a problem at first because it was like, but this is someone else, not him, someone else. And he's a totally different person and he's sweet and he cares and he would do just anything for me. But the more I joked with my friends, the more the same jokes came out. Gawwwwd, can we PLEASE stop making jokes about the Wizard of Oz, PLEASE. Like, I laugh every time because it's funny, but it's like, I so quickly associate those jokes with the first guy. It's reflex and it doesn't consciously upset me at the time, but later it does because it's almost like in my mind, I think, "Ugh. Remember that time when all my friends and my boyfriend were in the musical together and we made jokes all the time and it was funny and I was sick of hearing them and-,"
Oh.
Farmington, Maine.
Someone else.
Hm.
Interesting.
And I love Farmington, I do, I really do and I love all my friends and I'm mostly okay, it's just certain things set me off. It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I'm emotionally retarded--I did spend the first eighteen years of my life like this after all--and I mean, for the last three months I've been 150% better, but...sometimes I slip. But just sometimes.
Moreover, sex freaks me out. Hormones freak me out. The bottom line is, my fifteenth year happened and it was crazy and I didn't like it and, while I don't feel guilty, it sort of emotionally crippled me with sex. And my emotions just flip flop so quickly. It's like, one day, I'm okay and I feel fine and the next, I'm paranoid...so paranoid that my personality has nothing to do with my relationship...
I just want an answer. What is right? What will make me feel like shit? Why am I so sensitive all the time?
Give me an answer.
But I guess these emotions are my answer...right? It only makes sense. Everyone always says "listen to your heart" or whatever...shit and I suppose that's true and perhaps I shouldn't question it and I should just be careful. Super careful not to hurt myself.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but I'm trying my best to put it into words.
Botton line is:
Rejection sucks.
Break ups suck.
Sexual relations are complicated.
And I'm a little homesick.
And I don't know why the fuck I care about you anymore. But all I know is it's freaking complicated and I just...I just hate it. And, the thing is, this would be SO much easier if I thought you ever cared half as much as I did, but I don't believe that. I don't even believe that. And now I'm trying my very hardest to fight past these feelings and care about about someone new, to direct these feelings 100% at someone who cares about me just soooooo much.
I want this to be easy. I want fifteen to have never happened. I want my eight months back. I want to be beautiful--not hot, not pretty. I want him to say I'm beautiful. And I want everyone to stop making jokes about the fucking Wizard of Oz.
<3
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