How about...what is it NOW? DUMBASS.

My life has gone from mildly amusing to down-right hysterical.

Other words that could describe it are: pathetic, unfortunate and disturbingly ironic.

Last night it hit me--the possibilities. I was single. Single. The state of singularity can be one of unhappiness or one of embrace and self-discovery. I mean, it's been a week and the more I think about it, the more I think about how little our relationship stood for.

Me and David's--I mean.

It's like, I spent so much time in my head thinking about what COULD be. What our relationship COULD stand of. Consequently, I read this cosmo article--"Have you found the ONE?"

Statement #5: "You're marrying the man he is today, not the man he may one day BECOME."

And then I realized it. I'm eighteen. I should be dating someone who really, really likes me. Someone who wants me, totally, COMPLETELY. Not someone who might one day when we're older and don't have "college" and "grades" to think about. I want someone who wants me, not someone who MIGHT want me SOMEDAY.

My mind found clarity--this is a positive thing. As a firm believer of fate, I knew if Daniel and I were supposed to be together we would be one day. But right now, that wasn't my plan. So acceptance came over me and I felt--almost--happy.

Single. Singularity--a time of unhappiness or self-discovery.

I choose self-discovery.

And if someone comes into my life, then great. However, if no one does--that's good too.

Sort of.

See. There's kind of this person. And I'm not gonna go into description because you all know my hatred for the Lizzie McGuire complex. But I don't know, I'm trying not to like him because it's probably not gonna happen, but every time I'm around him, it gets worse. Just grows inside me like some kind of tumor...or fungi. I practically hate myself. Or...disgust myself.

AM I A WHORE? I mean, my boyfriend and I of eight months JUST broke up. I feel like such an effing bitch. But...it just seems so...possible.

While completely impossible. Gawd. I'm so dramatic and stupid. Fuck you Lizzie McGuire complex.

But it's not like I'm over him, David. Every time he shows up on my news feed, something drops through my stomach. Like a brick, just plops and I feel a hole open. Wider and wider. Waiting to be filled. But knowing it won't happen.

I don't want to just fill a hole. I want someone else to fit. In a different way.

It'll happen, I know it will. I just need to be patient.

Dear God,

If you could send along a dashing, young fellow who is humble, attractive and sweet then that would be just fabulous.

Much love,

Kellsey