"I want you and you and nothing but you, miles and piles of you." Okay, showtunes. Take a flying leap --TODAY.

You know when you hear songs that sum up...everything? Everything you're thinking about, everything you're worrying about, everything you love and hate and wish would love or hate you? Yeah. I'm that girl who hears Taylor Swift and wants to stab herself. Repeatedly. Who knew I this would be such a challenge? (That is, who--other than the entirety of every class my boyfriend has ever been in...ever, in his entire young life--knew?) I keep hearing, "You knew what you were getting yourself into." Okay, fuck off smart ass. The boy is eighteen--he can have a girlfriend.

But still--I find myself PACING. I had lines of boys. (Okay, maybe not lines, but a few.) None of them were particularly revolting or annoying or stupid. I liked them all. Sort of. I mean, I would have been happy with any of them, but I'm with David. And I love David. That sounds really super gay, but it's true. There it is. And the funny thing is, even though I had all these choices, I didn't want anyone else.

Now I'd like to feel like I'm the same way in his eyes.

But it's like, I keep hitting myself on the head over and over again. "STOP BEING A WHINY BITCH." But it's not working! I'm still whining. WTF? I'm still worrying! I'm still wondering. Can't I just believe the words of others? Why the hell can't I just LISTEN and BELIEVE him? I'm being really dumb. Okay, breathe Ginger. The boy likes you. Why can't you believe that?

And it's not because I'm insecure because I had plenty of choices. Boys falling all over me. And I like myself. I don't think I'm fat (even while I sit next to my ten-pound boyfriend.) I think I can write. I think I can sing. In fact, I know I can. So why in the world am I so difficult with this?

It's just so infuriating. Sometimes you just want that moment--you know? Even if it's totally unrealistic. Sometimes you just need a moment where you know, you can feel it, you can SEE it in actions and body movements that this is love. Legit. He doesn't want to be with anyone else and this proves it. But I don't get that because that's just his personality. Trust me, I don't blame him for anything.

Maybe it's just because I'm a writer. I mean if I wasn't so damn unrealistic about everything I probably wouldn't feel this way. I just want to be twenty-three, engaged, happy. That way I would know my life is going to work out. That way I would KNOW someone, somewhere is going to be with me. I know I'm just eighteen, but I got a real fear about being alone. And the funny thing is, if I had dated any of those other boys who had liked me--I would have just been dating them so I wasn't alone. But you know why I'm dating David?

Because I love him. Plain and simple.

Now if I could just find out if he feels that way too.