You know, I always leave to go to the river for a week. Every year. And when I come back, it always feels like I never left. Everything is always exactly the same. The beach is still the beach, my room is still my room, my dog Lily is still my dog Lily and I am--still--a fucking chicken.
Not just a chicken--a fucking chicken.
I get myself all excited. All ready. I'm going to plan it out. (Because the only way to sabotage someone who plans everything is planning everything yourself.) I'm going to wear my best jeans and something low-cut and my hair down--blow-dried and straightened. I'm going to do my makeup and wear wedges and then, GUESS WHO'S STANDING IN MY DOOR?
It's eleven. I just got home. I haven't showered. I smell like fish. My name is Kellsey.
FML.
Once again, I use Lizzie McGuire as the epitome of teenage angst and melodramatics and I don't mean to be like that. BUT HE CAN'T JUST TAKE ME BY SURPRISE LIKE THAT. I was supposed to be ready. I need to crack that shell, like a walnut and I can't do that when he's just popping into my house, with the smile and the eyes.
By he I mean David. I figured you knew that by this point.
And then my mind just kept screaming at me. Yelling. Obscenities were trailing through my head. "Just do it. Don't be stupid." But guess what I did? NOTHING. EXACTLY. And because of that I'm going to the SPCA to buy twenty cats and live alone for the rest of my life in complete solitude where no one can disturb me. I don't need men. I could sit around with my cat Mimi all day and get pretty much the same reaction that I get out of most guys. Sure the last one was gay, but I'm still counting it. Where's the tension? The passion? The excitement?
I don't want my reaction to come off as disappointment in him--he's fine. He came and surprised me, he was being SWEET. But, but--I just had a plan. Big plans. But I just did NOTHING. Because when he catches me off guard, I'm useless. I'm one of those women, the kind whose brain leaves the room when a man walks in. I'm that girl. The absent-minded one. Something needs to change and it's needs to change NOW. The countdown is on--fourteen days until college. If I don't kick it up by then I'm doomed.
I'm such a fucking chicken. WHY DIDN'T I JUST DO IT?
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